Well, I've had the most surreal, are you in a soap opera? or fiction novel? kind of life. It seems impossible that I would have to possibly go through more in this life. It makes me wonder how much one person can take before they completely break. It would be cruel and unusual punishment for me to have cancer, especially less then 2 yrs after my mother almost died from the same disease.
I've been going over it and over it in my mind and I decided I do want to blog about it.
It's been a few months since I found the lump in my breast. Stupidly, I ignored it, but I was determined to shoot my film and focus on that. Ok, I didn't ignore it, I went to the doc at school who didn't think it would be cancer, but wanted me to get a sonogram. I can't just get one, cuz i have a little thing called insurance. It took me awhile to get through all the red tape and while I was doing that, I focused on finishing out my semester.
Once that was done, I went to my doctor who sent me to get a sonogram. The sonogram was the weirdest experience of my life. Lying in a hospital gown, staring at the florescent lights, and drab wallpaper, my breast exposed and a machine showing the large oval lump that is my tumor. It's a lot bigger then it feels externally. It's also strange seeing the black against the grayish are of what is my breast on a screen. Seeing it, made it real. Freaked me out. Basically, I have spent the last 7 days freaked out.
I finally had to tell my mom. I was holding out on that, because the cancer is still fresh in her mind and I didn't want to freak her out.But they wanted me to have a biopsy, which meant I was going to be wearing bandages for a few days and from the a area in which the lump is and the weather, which makes me wear thinner, more revealing shirts. Long story short, she would have noticed. That conversation SUCKED, but it happened and it freaked me out more. She's been more verbal about what she went through lately,and I don't want to hear it, because it scares me and fills me with dread.
In the week between the sonogram and today's biopsy, I came face to face with an intruder. Yup, I wake up to my brother bursting through the door telling me someones at the door. By the time I drag myself out of bed and go to the window to look out the person is gone. Then I shower, dress and take my computer down to the dinning room. In the dinning room is the back door to y house. While I'm sitting at the table I see the screen door open. I'm filled with unease, but I think no one can just come in here, it must be mom, but I grab my phone and stand ready, just in case... the door opens and no it is not my mom. Its a black man, 40s, very very dark skinned, low crop hair, wearing a gray shirt and blue jeans. We both stare at each other until i ask what are you doing? heasks for "sharon" which trips me up, because my mom's name is Florence, but her close friends from the islands call her sharon. I stupidly said she wasn't home. He says he's supposed to do work for her says he's going to call her and back pedals out. I call; my mom demanding to know if someone has her keys. No! so i call the cops who take a half an hour to come. My mom speeds home I tell her what happened and she knows who it is. The guy who painted our house when I was in Ireland. Which means he's had the keys to our house for like 8 months!Money has gone missing and they blamed my brother but now we know what really happened!
At the time I was confused, but of late I've freaked out. ANYTHING could have happened. I could have been hurt, and I froze. Didn't scream or call from my brother. I stood there staring at a stranger in my house, confused! ugh. I've had a hard time sleeping. Every noise is an intruder coming to hurt me and my family. UGH! I feel violated, our locks have been changed, but still! Someone had the key to our house, could have come in whenever he wanted! UGH!
Anyway, today was the biopsy! 7 days to freak out and suffer from migraines since i couldn't take pain meds, ugh! That was the worst! Needles being stuck into my boobs, pain, incesicions, blood! Ugh, now I'm lying in bed, recuperating in the heat blood and pain pouring from my bandages in a place I barely paid attention to before. Now I have to wait another week before I know whether it's breast cancer or not....
